New Beginnings & Why I’m Writing Again
Two months ago I was worshipping at church and a lady next to me gave me a prophetic word. I have to admit that I was somewhat discouraged that week and was very much in need of it. I have been dreaming of moving to Malaysia for over a decade and finally here I am; yet, moving is tough however confident you are that it is the right thing to do.
Anyway, back to the word! There were so many encouraging things shared which made me feel like God saw me where I was, and that He saw the questions I was sitting with, but the relevant bit for here is a picture she shared with me. She said that she saw a picture of me writing and then scrunching up pages and throwing them away in frustration that they weren’t working like they should; that what was on them wasn’t good enough. But then God came along and picked up the papers off the floor and unravelled them with me reassuring me that they were good enough. That I don’t need to write like everyone else, and that what I have is good. Then she saw the two of us sitting there and joyfully writing more together. Now, no one here has any idea that I feel called to write. In fact the dream of writing is something that has been buried over the last season and so I myself barely think about it let alone tell anyone. In fact, when the lady shared with me she was convinced that the writing in the picture was a metaphor for something else. As soon as I heard it though I knew it wasn’t just a metaphor. I KNEW that this was a gentle prompting to start writing again. To uncover dreams that have been long buried. To have the courage to release the things on my heart.
A few days later at PENHOP I got the distinct impression that God was saying “Get ready to be released!” [Side note for context this last few months God has clearly been telling me to stay ‘hidden’, to rest, to build my foundations, not to rush into new things, though that’s a story for another time] But then a few days later the MCO was announced. All of a sudden I was stuck home alone. Not allowed to go out, not allowed to see people. I must have heard God wrong - how can I be released when I’m stuck at home and literally not allowed to see anyone?
Eventually (sometimes I’m really slow!) I realised that this was the perfect time to start writing. And yet putting anything online was the last thing I wanted to do. I did plenty of writing myself but I studiously ignored the call to release anything. I found every procrastination technique (my house is wonderfully clean, I’ve read all my remaining novels and accessed my JSTOR account, my repertoire of dishes has drastically increased, I’m incredibly well rested, and I’ve even worked out) and every excuse (no one would want to read what I write, I’m not good enough, I should be more humble than to put anything online, what’s the point, it’s not really my calling etc etc). And I stubbornly avoided exploring what this writing thing should look like.
52 days later here I am. Digging this thing back up after 5 years and taking the first steps to being obedient. Trying to be disciplined and create new habits. Not allowing fear to keep me silent. I have no idea how this will go but actually that doesn’t matter right now. This first step is all I need to take today. It is enough.
Anyway, back to the word! There were so many encouraging things shared which made me feel like God saw me where I was, and that He saw the questions I was sitting with, but the relevant bit for here is a picture she shared with me. She said that she saw a picture of me writing and then scrunching up pages and throwing them away in frustration that they weren’t working like they should; that what was on them wasn’t good enough. But then God came along and picked up the papers off the floor and unravelled them with me reassuring me that they were good enough. That I don’t need to write like everyone else, and that what I have is good. Then she saw the two of us sitting there and joyfully writing more together. Now, no one here has any idea that I feel called to write. In fact the dream of writing is something that has been buried over the last season and so I myself barely think about it let alone tell anyone. In fact, when the lady shared with me she was convinced that the writing in the picture was a metaphor for something else. As soon as I heard it though I knew it wasn’t just a metaphor. I KNEW that this was a gentle prompting to start writing again. To uncover dreams that have been long buried. To have the courage to release the things on my heart.
A few days later at PENHOP I got the distinct impression that God was saying “Get ready to be released!” [Side note for context this last few months God has clearly been telling me to stay ‘hidden’, to rest, to build my foundations, not to rush into new things, though that’s a story for another time] But then a few days later the MCO was announced. All of a sudden I was stuck home alone. Not allowed to go out, not allowed to see people. I must have heard God wrong - how can I be released when I’m stuck at home and literally not allowed to see anyone?
Eventually (sometimes I’m really slow!) I realised that this was the perfect time to start writing. And yet putting anything online was the last thing I wanted to do. I did plenty of writing myself but I studiously ignored the call to release anything. I found every procrastination technique (my house is wonderfully clean, I’ve read all my remaining novels and accessed my JSTOR account, my repertoire of dishes has drastically increased, I’m incredibly well rested, and I’ve even worked out) and every excuse (no one would want to read what I write, I’m not good enough, I should be more humble than to put anything online, what’s the point, it’s not really my calling etc etc). And I stubbornly avoided exploring what this writing thing should look like.
52 days later here I am. Digging this thing back up after 5 years and taking the first steps to being obedient. Trying to be disciplined and create new habits. Not allowing fear to keep me silent. I have no idea how this will go but actually that doesn’t matter right now. This first step is all I need to take today. It is enough.
Comments
I love the picture of you and Papa God writing together. :)
Sending my love to you, my friend. You inspired me.
Enjoy every bit of pause, process and articulation ;))))