Challenged to Shine

Derek's sermon last Saturday was based around the wrath of God... but at the centre of that lies his amazing love for us. If you look straight into the centre of God's wrath you come face to face with Jesus on the cross. And all you can see then is love. It's a bizarre paradox. But it's amazing. So often I get caught up with the wrath stuff...it's relatively easy to get my head around. In fact it makes perfect sense to me... I would pronounce the same judgement on myself. But then I miss the central point because I stopped looking before I got there. When God showed me a different perspective though...what I saw changed.

In the same way God has been showing me how I need to change my perspective in another area. It might be different but the effect is the same. He is taking me from seeing judgment and death to seeing the amazing, amazing love of my God.

For a long time now I've been looking at other people's actions (well actually to be more specific the actions of Christians) through the perspective of my past experiences. Through the perspective of times when other Christians have hurt me. Rejected me. Said stuff to me that really damaged me. And the thing is when you look for something hard enough.... if there is even a glimpse of it .... you will find it, magnify it and distort it.
Now, I know for one that even though I am a Christian I am by NO MEANS perfect. In fact that thought is laughable!!!!!I am sooooo far from it. Therefore if someone was to look at my actions expecting to be hurt by them there is no way that they would not find something to be hurt by.
Given that the bible says "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.." (1 John 1:8) I can be pretty confident in saying I am not the only one to fail to attain perfection. Therefore, when I looked to be hurt... I was.
I missed all the things that reflected Christ in his body that surrounded me and instead focused on all those things not of him. Not only did that start to develop horrible things in me like... hatred, pride, jealousy etc etc... but I also missed seeing something of God himself. I didn't see the love of God... instead I saw judgement and death.

BUT the church isn't called 'the body of Christ' for nothing. It is through the unity of the church that we are called to make God, and his wisdom, known. (Romans 15, Ephesians 2&3 and more) God can, and will use his church to show expressions of himself.
This last couple of weekends God has been showing me expression after expression of his love for me through many, many people in my church. At first I missed that expression of love.... focusing not on what was done and said but on that which lacked....Focusing on what might happen in the future rather than what was happening now. But reflecting back this morning on what happened this weekend all I can see is God's amazing, amazing love for me.

My God is so good to me ... he has blessed me with an amazing 'family' here in Hong Kong but I've been missing it. I can only apologise if I've been looking for negative things in you and what you do and missing that of God that is within you...

It doesn't end here though.... I am determined to be a part of a body that reflects Christ to all around me...I am determined not to pull back from what God has given me and I'm determined.... well I'm determined to do so many things... but my determination means nothing without the power of God in me...rather I resolve to know nothing but Jesus Christ and him crucified along with you all. I resolve to seeking him and him alone...being part of that journey with you all...
I have no clue how the heck that is going to work... but I'm beginning to realise that I don't need to... It is enough to simply know Him.

All I want to do right now is give up. That's the honest truth. Unfortunately that is the only thing that's not an option...
You have no idea how frustrating that is. In fact it's so frustrating that it stops me sleeping and makes me cry - even in public places =s But then today I suddenly started thinking: Why? Why am I so clear that it's not an option? Why after all this time do I still think that?

Answer: Jesus! My Lord.... my Amazing Awesome God.
That's the only answer I can possibly give... and yet to many it would/ does sound entirely bizarre.
I have faith that even as I am brought to despair - still... that even as I see no way out at all... he is more than capable. Everything he has promised is true. Yes, I may physically see no actual light at the end of the tunnel so to speak but that does not matter:

Hebrews 11 1"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

I do not actually have to see it right at this moment for it to be true.
He has promised to bring me out of this, that he will never leave or forsake me etc And I have set my heart on the truth of these promises therefore giving up is not an option.

As I was sat watching the 'Quest' video with my students today and the question... "Why do people believe in things even though they can't see them" came up it reminded me of this truth. It reminded me that I do not need to see it for it to be true. It also made me think about the fact that even when we don't see some things themselves we can see evidence to help back up our faith. So whilst the water going down a waterfall might be evidence to back up my belief in gravity.... the things I have seen God do before... the examples to be found in the bible... the things he even speaks to me at this time.... are evidence to help back up my belief in God's faithfulness.

And so in some ways I'm no further on really - I'm still stuck...I still can't even imagine how this will work itself out - yet in another sense everything has changed. Where my heart was troubled there is now some peace, where I couldn't help but weep - I can now stop.
The answer was so simple - to look right at my Loving Father...
So often I look at him - but don't really see him. So often I think I'm looking at him - but nothing changes. How sad!

Almost six months on...and I'm not there yet....it still HURTS!!!!!
But today was a public holiday and I took some time out with God. It was a struggle to get into his presence. Everything possible seems to get in the way of my time alone with him these days. But eventually ... something happened. He reminded me of who he is, the perspective I so often lack, my frequent daftness and a whole host of other stuff. Out of that time I wrote a poem (well actually a few). It's been an AGE since I did any actual writing of my own - despite spending my life encouraging others to write. Not really sure why I want to put it here - but I do, so here's one of them (very much in draft form). At least it's a little more positive than some of the previous posts!


****************************************************
Why do I run around in circles?
Hearing then forgetting,
Knowing and not doing.
It exhausts me God!
I need you... and yet...
I act like I don't.
I'm exhausted, shattered, destroyed-
and yet-
I sign up for the next marathon task.
Sometimes it feels like one step forward
swallowed up in six back.

God as I go back,
the prowling enemy
snaps
at my heels and I'm scared.
The sight,
The sound,
terrifies me
ENTIRELY
I'm ready to be consumed
There is nothing I can do.

So I lift my hands
in surrender and desperation.
I glance up - eyes follow their path
and then
I see
YOU

A distant bright star in the sky.
I see your strength, intensity and light.
Your light wraps around me.
Your promises lift me...
I am with you always
I am the beginning and the end
I am your rescuer
You belong to me
I love you outrageously
I am fighting for you
I will strengthen you
I am victorious already
I am he
It is I

***************************************************
So - what he reminded me...
See your battles as I see them
See yourself as I see you
See other people as I see them
See me as I really am
See like I see

This has been a long time coming. I wonder why I am only drawn to come back to this thing when everything starts to fall apart. In the almost 9 months since I last posted... I got a room mate, moved to a bigger, nicer place, got two adorable cats, signed another two year contract and went on a few fab holidays and mission trips.... and yet all of that is unrecorded.
The now... I'm on Christmas holidays.... and everything seems to be falling to pieces around me. Not that anything has actually happened. In a world of financial turmoil and uncertainty I am unscathed, if not better off than before. Which makes it even harder to admit that inside everything is falling apart. I'm heading back to square 1. Going back to stuff that I thought would never be gone back to. In a place I really don't want to be but don't have the energy or the willpower to escape from. This has been a long time brewing.... but I failed to do anything about it... I was just too caught up in keeping myself going for school... pushing myself on (that and a ridiculous mix of pride, denial and fear)..... but now it's the holidays there's not so much to keep myself together for and so the meltdowns keep on coming. How I wish that I was different. That I'd handled this all so differently and that I didn't screw up so badly every time. But here I am again. I don't want this. Yet at the same time I'm not sure I care enough to fight against this. Sometimes it feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and about to fall back into my past.
Why say this here? I don't know..... but I guess this place is so dead that people won't check .... and if they do.... who cares what strangers think and as for people I know.... it's easier to put this in written form.... cos the old lies are back. No matter how hard I resolve to talk, to share, to let people in.... the old lies keep on flying out of my mouth.... probably cos it's easier.
So yeah... the blog is back.... for the moment at least - and even though it's bad right now I am still hanging on.

I have a cold or the flu or something... but whatever it is, it's bad and I've lost my voice again!
I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to keep losing your voice. Not only do you really need to be able to talk to teach but also I am such a talkative person. When I had to describe myself in three words for an interview one of them was talkative.

Not only that but I had to take two days off school and spent them recuperating at home. You would think that having a couple of days off work would be a good thing. A chance to rest and get away from the madness for a little while. But it's been driving me up the wall. The first day was okay... I was so sick I just couldn't do anything.... it's when I began to feel better that the frustration started, mainly due to the fact I have no housemates this year. It seems I can only take so much of my own company. It's times like these that I miss the Sedgwick street crew or really really want to get a cat!

Anyways, so being fed up with my own company I go out to see people but cos I'm still sick I make the whole sick thing last longer and have to spend longer at home and I force my voice so that it stays weak for longer. Aiyah. What will I do with myself?

Worshipping at church this morning was tough too ... it took me a long time to get past the whole ... But I can't talk, I wanna be able to talk too, how come everyone else has a voice, it's so unfair/ annoying thing.

So yeah, I suck at being sick... I'm just really hoping my voice is back properly for tomorrow. This morning it was non-existent... now it's there but a little dodgy. Here's hoping and praying.

On a positive note though my frustration at being cooped up is, in some ways, a good sign. I've moved on from the introspective thoughts from last time. I am so ready right now.... just working out what exactly it is I'm ready for! (More on that soon I'm sure)

Hong Kong is SO COLD right now! It definitely wasn't this cold for this long last time I was here for winter but the cold snap keeps on going. Right now I really miss central heating... and snow days.... and my kitchen... and Cambridge... the list goes on!

Instead of central heating I have an electric heater which follows me round wherever I go in my apartment. The thing with my heater is that sometimes in an effort to get warm quicker I get that little bit too close. And when I get too close I can feel myself starting to burn or something and that pain is my warning to move away. That I am too close and that if I stay there I will get hurt. It's a protective mechanism. A way of protecting ourselves from injury. It's not just physical injury we try and protect ourselves from though... we try and protect ourselves from emotional injury too. That's something I've been thinking a lot about this past week. Realising that, amongst other things, perhaps I 'protect' myself so much that I no longer let God protect me....

Suffice to say it's been an uncomfortable week and my heater has now seen me shed many a tear. But, God is starting a new work in me. As I struggle on he continues to remind me how much I can trust him, of his great love for me, of his gentleness, of his strength. He asks me to lift my soul up to HIM and him alone. He reminds me of each of his promises to me and he uses those around me to keep on pointing me back to him. He points out to me how each of his children, all those around me, need him so desperately, he imparts his secrets into my soul. And before I know it I am a softer person. The brittleness of my strength is replaced with a 'weakness' and grasping on to the promise "I will be with you wherever you go" I pick myself up, dust myself off and head back out to the 'battleground'.

This place is so dead but I'm insanely bored of marking so here goes.... A New Year Post =)

There are so many thoughts going round my head at the moment... the beginning of a new year as I'm still finding out what God's got in store for me here in Hong Kong. For the last two years I've been thinking that once I got to Hong Kong I would KNOW what I was supposed to be doing... that everything would just fall into place.... but that hasn't happened and I'm left with just as many questions .... and God has opened my eyes up to so much in these few years that I just can't ignore. So I start this year wanting to be content but not satisfied.

Being content... something that I though a lot about in the years after Hong Kong. Something that we're commanded to be in the Bible.... with our circumstances, with our possessions.... but so against the culture of materialism etc that we live in.

Back in 2005 (sounds so long ago now!) I was convicted that I really needed to be content with where God had placed me despite the fact that Birmingham was the last place on earth I wanted to be going... and with much prayer and struggle I got there, helped along by the amazing people I met there. But just as I was becoming content I began to think things like 'if I'm content with this then maybe God will keep me as a single girl stuck in England for ever and ever' and then I became, for a while at least, less of a fan of contentment. And in any case it's a very dull word... definitely not going to make my top 10!
But I've come to realise those thoughts are miles out of the ball park and definitely not Godly thoughts... in fact more the opposite. But why the attack against contentment? This got me thinking ... maybe there's something more to contentment... maybe God wants us to be content for a reason. I'd never really understood why God seemed so hung up on contentment - but hey as he was God he got to be a bit 'strange' and we got to deal with it.
Some answers to my ponderances were found in Paul's letter to the Phillipians ...Phillipians 4: 11-13 "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
- Paul's contentment in need didn't stop the plenty and vice versa.
- There is a 'secret' to being content suggesting it's not easy *phew* I'm not the only one who thinks it's hard.
- The secret is the holy spirit... so surprising to find the I can do everything verse attached to talk about contentment had never twigged that before.

and the purpose of contentment... to me it means that we're focused on what God is doing where we are, not somewhere else, freeing us to be 'dangerous' for God where we are. Now that's quite cool... and so I'm back into contentment (despite the fact it's still quite a boring word)

But even though I'm content... well trying to be anyway... I am not satisfied. When I look around me I'm not satisfied with so much. I'm not satisfied at the way I treat people ... I'm not satisfied when I see all the hurting people both round me and on the news, I'm not satisfied when I think about how I use my time, I'm not satisfied when I think about my relationship with God, I'm not satisfied when I see myself and often the church so disconnected from other people... the poor, hurting, non-Christians... the list could go on and on. I AM NOT SATISFIED!
I don't want it to end there though I want to do something about these things... still trying to work out what exactly but I just need to start I guess.

And so this year this is my aim. To be content so that I can be dangerous for God right here and to not be satisfied with what I see and to start to do something about these things. Sounds like a huge exciting challenge to me =)