Returning
This has been a long time coming. I wonder why I am only drawn to come back to this thing when everything starts to fall apart. In the almost 9 months since I last posted... I got a room mate, moved to a bigger, nicer place, got two adorable cats, signed another two year contract and went on a few fab holidays and mission trips.... and yet all of that is unrecorded.
The now... I'm on Christmas holidays.... and everything seems to be falling to pieces around me. Not that anything has actually happened. In a world of financial turmoil and uncertainty I am unscathed, if not better off than before. Which makes it even harder to admit that inside everything is falling apart. I'm heading back to square 1. Going back to stuff that I thought would never be gone back to. In a place I really don't want to be but don't have the energy or the willpower to escape from. This has been a long time brewing.... but I failed to do anything about it... I was just too caught up in keeping myself going for school... pushing myself on (that and a ridiculous mix of pride, denial and fear)..... but now it's the holidays there's not so much to keep myself together for and so the meltdowns keep on coming. How I wish that I was different. That I'd handled this all so differently and that I didn't screw up so badly every time. But here I am again. I don't want this. Yet at the same time I'm not sure I care enough to fight against this. Sometimes it feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and about to fall back into my past.
Why say this here? I don't know..... but I guess this place is so dead that people won't check .... and if they do.... who cares what strangers think and as for people I know.... it's easier to put this in written form.... cos the old lies are back. No matter how hard I resolve to talk, to share, to let people in.... the old lies keep on flying out of my mouth.... probably cos it's easier.
So yeah... the blog is back.... for the moment at least - and even though it's bad right now I am still hanging on.
The now... I'm on Christmas holidays.... and everything seems to be falling to pieces around me. Not that anything has actually happened. In a world of financial turmoil and uncertainty I am unscathed, if not better off than before. Which makes it even harder to admit that inside everything is falling apart. I'm heading back to square 1. Going back to stuff that I thought would never be gone back to. In a place I really don't want to be but don't have the energy or the willpower to escape from. This has been a long time brewing.... but I failed to do anything about it... I was just too caught up in keeping myself going for school... pushing myself on (that and a ridiculous mix of pride, denial and fear)..... but now it's the holidays there's not so much to keep myself together for and so the meltdowns keep on coming. How I wish that I was different. That I'd handled this all so differently and that I didn't screw up so badly every time. But here I am again. I don't want this. Yet at the same time I'm not sure I care enough to fight against this. Sometimes it feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and about to fall back into my past.
Why say this here? I don't know..... but I guess this place is so dead that people won't check .... and if they do.... who cares what strangers think and as for people I know.... it's easier to put this in written form.... cos the old lies are back. No matter how hard I resolve to talk, to share, to let people in.... the old lies keep on flying out of my mouth.... probably cos it's easier.
So yeah... the blog is back.... for the moment at least - and even though it's bad right now I am still hanging on.
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